Shes your friend, shes my friend. 02:52 PM - 12 May . I literally wrote without stopping, I finished writing it and I read it and Isaid to myself: Im gonna do this on Johnny Carson and Ill be the first woman in thehistory of the show to be called over tosit down to talk to Johnny Carson. And, I mean, Im in a basementon a mattress with fleas, never done comedy. But now Im countin this They should be wherever theyre supposedto be. Theres a womanwith a ferret theres a man with a mongoose, theres a lady with a donkey. with the money, yeah, dont act funny, yeah [crowd laughs] [claps], I dont have that many childhood memories. Make a n i g g a want to grab that, autograph that What do they like Walk around, opening [crowd laughs] I heard someone say that a junk drawer is a metaphor for your life. Now Id like to talk to you aboutgay. And for me it was a dead battery, but, We all have people, that we know, that look into signs way too much. Sit down and eat and pay and leave, right? She And she has no memory either. Is she gonna be OK? It was my senior year of high school. Because looking back on it, I was the only dude and I was a senior in high school trying to try out for an all-girl dance team. DeGeneres later returned to the Nemo franchise with the 2016 sequel, Finding Dory. Ellen DeGeneres performs her comedy-concert live on stage and taped for HBO. In 2016, she received the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Jesus broke bread. Nobody was in there. Ellen Degeneres: (07:31) I dont think thats a good thing. Do you have a donkey or a pack mule or anything? I have a good job. For the shoes to see themselves, cause youcant. For fiveminutes it was really celebrated and then everyone changed their minds. Now, theyre carrying animals around with them I There are somany pills. For the college grads, I want to salute you for getting your degree in science, history or whatever youre graduating in. I really dont like to judge, except forpeople who say libary. In November 2019,. The Ellen DeGeneres Show features a recurring segment, called "Cash for Kindness," that spreads good cheer by lying to people. Ellen DeGeneres: Here and Now (1,088) 7.6 60min 2003 X-Ray 7+ Comedian/actress Ellen DeGeneres brings her honesty and off-the-wall wit to this stand-up special taped live at NYC's Beacon Theater. The thing is, I didnt pack correctly. Ellen DeGeneres: Here and Now (2003) - full transcript Ellen DeGeneres performs her comedy-concert live on stage and taped for HBO. And, so when I was offered this talk show I was really excited about it, but they were trying to sell the talk show and a lot of people didnt wanna buy it because no one thought theyd watch. In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, DeGeneres said she had planned to end the show after season. Hoe, who is you playin wit? I was 10 years old. and it wasntmeant to be funny. [crowd claps] Yes, I turned 60 this year. -Yes one in the hand is worth two in the bush. Why do you call it the hand? There are so many different types of jobs. Only when you hit the dance floor, will you dance. Those look good. I mean, I dont know how many people have had a cap in the eye, but I have. Cause Id like it to come out right. Its just so Im filled withanxiety when they come up to the table and they just come up and: And thelady will have? We are just silently, without talking, sending things back and forth Like, Id send her this. I want to make you feel good for an hour, at least an hour really. I dont deserve it, give it to thelady there. Build with the best speech-to-text APIs around. We have the song like: Oh my God, thats my song. And if were at a club and that song comes on you wanna dance but you will not dance until you hit the designated dance floor. However, when I saw her stand up special, Here and Now, I laughed to the point of tearsI don't think I'd ever immediately admired a comic so much. Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan. View history Ellen DeGeneres: Here and Now is a stand-up comedy routine that was shown on HBO. I like my job. He didnt even know how to slice it. I love that phrase. Thank you. And for the gentleman? if you lookback at the first season. I love you. Ellen Degeneres: (00:27) What is happening? Oh my God, it was just like I mean, wed be in the car, driving past the drugstore and Id be like: Im gonna get Aspirin someday. My parents divorced when I was 13. I graduated high school Im still lost I just was doing anything to pay rent and I shucked oysters, and I sold vacuumcleaners and I worked for a landscapingcompany I was a waiter, which by the way I thinkeveryone should wait tables at least oncein their life. A source told the Daily Mail, who reported the news early Wednesday, that "Ellen knows her time is up . But my grandmother lived with us when Iwas a little girl and if an Aspirincommercial came on the air she would getup from the sofa, go to the TV turn itdown, stand in front of it and hum a hymnreally loudly like [Ellen hums a hymn] So you can imagine my fascination with Aspirin when I was a little girl. STANDS4 LLC, 2023. Jim Jefferies is back and no topic is off limits. Ellen Degeneres: (02:51) Mazel tov. Just Is Ellen wearing a necklace? And when we see signs like that we think that means that were on the right path which by the way, we are all on a path. Like: What was my choice? I cant No. [claps] Portia and I took a picture and this guy photobombed us back there. Ellen DeGeneres' most contentious interviews with showbiz stars have resurfaced after the US talk show host came under fire for her recent show with Mariah Carey, forcing her to reveal her. We are all the same and we are all relatable. I was healthier than Id ever been. Why do you care where I get my protein? The same people who lovedme, overnight, just hated me. *Ellen holds up two black and white photos showing David and Iman modelling clothes. As a film actress, DeGeneres starred in Mr. Wrong (1996), EDtv (1999), and The Love Letter (1999), and provided the voice of Dory in the Pixar animated films Finding Nemo (2003) and Finding Dory (2016); for Nemo, she was awarded the Saturn Award for Best Supporting Actress, the first time an actress won a Saturn Award for a voice performance. Section 107, allowance is made for "fair use" for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and research. [background song in the video] And then I sent her this. I think youre doing a great job. Got birds and Im runnin, yeah, bout a hundred, yeah Directors Joel Gallen Starring Ellen DeGeneres Genres Comedy, Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Subtitles English [CC] Audio languages English I had a successful sitcom. With topics ranging from tight rompers to ugly bras to why every man needs a box spring, Iliza remains the hilarious, affecting voice of her generation. You know It was probably a tall guy who invented the ladder going: I have aspirations of my own. I just started eating a piece of fish once in a while and Ill eat eggs from chickens that I know. -It is? Can you imagine that Thomas Edison is there and the Wright brothers and Is the guy who sliced the bread here? Youre worried that someones gonna know and so, it is on your mind, so subconsciously were aware of that. I love being vegan. Ellen Lee DeGeneres (born January 26, 1958) is an American comedian, television host, actress, writer, and producer. Listen to the MP3 Audio here: Ellen DeGeneres' 2009 Commencement Speech at Tulane University TRANSCRIPT: Scott Cowen - 14th President, Tulane University Read the transcript of "Ellen Degeneres: Relatable" (2018). Andy Lassner: (08:16) Back that ass up Web. For DeGeneres, who built her career on playing versions of "Ellen," by appearing, as a . I dont think she did. You know that. Im torn, I dont know how I feel. I mean, whenever youre closeted, youre always thinking about it. Create a better, more engaging experience for every student. Its just gotten out of hand. A famously awkward interview clip of actress Dakota Johnson calling out TV host Ellen Degeneres resurfaced on Wednesday as fans joke that Johnson caused the show's demise. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. But you know, so then I grew up going: Oh, celebrities! I guess,everybodys like that but like, I mean, Iwas 16. But they are so, the thingis if you have a sock that you like, everybody has their favorite socks and you will wear those socks as long as youpossibly can. Makes sense now. Because the birds in the jungle have never heard Kendrick Lamar. Yeah, we never had a vaccination, never had But they even kept, like,medicine I didnt know anything about medicine. Thats good good advice. Thank God, Ellen. But the only memory, I have a couple ofmemories when we would go to a gasstation when I was a little girl. Maybe theyre transporting a bowl ofsoup. [crowd claps] If I have a gold bar laying around Ill takethe gold bar. Nearly a decade later in 1994, DeGeneres was still very much in the closet when her sitcom Ellen went on air. Look, theyre fine. Something different gonna happen in here? You got a stupid ass, yeah, make me laugh, yeah She may not be gay anymore, I dont know. So its been 15 years since Ive donestand-up and when I decided to do thisspecial a friend of mine was at my house and I told him: Im going to do stand upagain. And he said: Really? And I said: Yeah. We're doing our best to make sure our content is useful, accurate and safe.If by any chance you spot an inappropriate comment while navigating through our website please use this form to let us know, and we'll take care of it shortly. I will, yeah. "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" came to an end on Thursday, wrapping a 19-season run. This is ridiculous. And hum So Im sitting in the solarium eating mybreakfast and I was on my third or fourth bite of cutepineapple that Batu was feeding me and I said: Batu, Im not hungry, Ive lost my appetite. My parents were obsessed with celebrities and so, hi, here I am. Andy Lassner: (06:14) Thats Theres hair in it already and you just Now, its like, its grown. https://www.scripts.com/writer/ellen_degeneres/5244. Industry-leading accurate legal transcription to ensure you dont miss a statement. If you go home, we all have the same stuff in our junk drawer. Alright, so you would like someone to goin with you? Do you want them? [crowd laughs] Shoe salesmen are like no other salesmen for any other thing you buy. I dont read at home, but Im gonna read there, Ill have a lot of time. Call me Big Daddy when you back that ass up And, its a big You can imagine howbig the bathroom is. Like, soldiers with swords, theyre putting their swords down so they could grab bread and gnaw on it, like They probably took a stab at it which is where that expression came from. I was younger than that I think Michael Jackson was in NewOrleans and I was so I heard where he was, that what street he was on and so, Ichased, I didnt chase. What are the kids doing? People arentafraid of it anymore like dandruff. You goaround them and show them how they shouldbe driving and then you hit a red light. Thank you. I know when Im feeling down and Im looking for inspiration, I turned to the Dalai Lama who said, Never lose faith in the truth. Yep. They believe we are spiritual beings having a material experience in thematerial world and the mantra that theysay is: Know the truth. And the truth is, there is no pain unless you give it pain with your mind. What do you guys think, do you like them? I went to a gas station to put gas in my car And theres a group of teenageboys across the way and theyre like really cool. Were all on our own individual path. Youre 21 and youve already accomplished more than I had at that age. Thank you very much. Shouldnt be a problem. I had to wear necklaces, crazy things, really. I thought so, I thought [crowd laughs] Theres nothing more embarrassing than when you pass up a slow driver to showthem the proper way of driving. I love to drive and I like to drive fast and Im safe, but I do like to go fast and so slow drivers irritate me, because theyre goingso slow and lets be honest. Follow that, but I think that signs do help us and I think that if we pay attention to those signs, they do guide us. You got a stupid ass, yeah, make me laugh, yeah Im the manager. But I find, when we go on vacation we pack for who we want to be, we pack for this fantasy personality that were gonna have when we go away. Yep, you could get that for sure. Nobody should be on anybody elses path. Now, she's addressing them directly about her decision to end . Alright, Ill remember that. Id like someonealready in there before I get in therewaiting. We should be on our own path. Its I said: I have three dogs. That was I wish that was a joke, but its not. No, but Ive dined in other places before. Please, change. You cant do anything about it, its a inflamed nerve from wearing the wrong kind of shoes. He said: Do you wear like soft-soled shoes, like tennis shoes? Clearly, shes crazy. And I'm like "I'm getting a mammogram. Yeah, thats very clever and very fresh, and.. Well, thats wonderful hearing thatfrom you. You wont throw it away, cause what if someone finds it and opens something? Want to walk it like a dog, yeah On Wednesday, embattled comedian Ellen DeGeneres confirmed that she'll end her eponymous talk show after next season. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. Write your screenplay and focus on the story with many helpful features. Andy Lassner: (06:21) See those leaders start to frown The comedian muses on stoned koalas, his dads vasectomy confusion, choosing between his hair and his sex drive and more. So I try to keep everything and use everything except for when ketchup gets down to that part where it starts makingthat noise, Ill throw it out because theres no need in keeping it when itmakes that noise. I had fame, I had money, I had everything that I thought that was important. I'm bringing back some classic punchlines this week. like theyre impressing us in some way. Girl, who is you playin wit? And next? Im gonna go curl up and read a good book like You dont curl up for a magazine, you dont curl up for Although, when I read the paper I curl up in the fetal position now, thats Thats for sure. I mean, there are gay football players, there are gay baseball players there are gayhockey players, there are gay doctors, lawyers there are gay hairdressers, you guys. They seemed fine, like, I dont know what it is. I split my knee open and my bone wasexposed. So I started writing what it would belike to have a phone call with God to find out why fleas are here. I said: Well, they werent watchingme at night. Its when I learned that the truth will always win. [crowd laughs] [claps] I wrote that at 3 a.m. Im And Im kind, Im a good person. My dadwould only get a dollars worth of gas, all thetime. to me. I a few years ago I started ending my show by saying: Be kind to one another. And [crowd cheers] Yeah, thats what I thought. Delicious, as a matter fact but when I went into the bathroom I was all alone. Goodbye. [claps] So I had to go buy new shoes with hardersoles and when I was trying on shoes, I realized, when we try on shoes we do things were never gonna do in them. Ellen: I know! Libary. Yep. [claps] When we try on shoes theres a little tiny mirror on the ground. Yeah, but I got one in the hand so -But theres two in the bush. But I didnt know what I was gonna do and my life changed when I was 21 yearsold and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident And I passed the accident., it had just happened. Andy, do you want to add anything? If you are graduating this year, first of all, I want to say congratulations. Okay. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? We stand up. We need smart people. [crowd laughs] How did you get in here, anyway? Yeah, I cant, When Im in traffic, heres the thing. Just draw the bath. So Im sitting in the tub and Im lookingout of the window at the rose garden and Tatiana was tending to the roses and I knocked. Beads in a big floppy hat. And for all of this years graduates, believe me, your best days are still ahead of you. I didnt know it was her cause she wasin a different car. I dont know, I just dont I put it in there. Get listed in the most prominent screenplays collection on the web! tWitch: (08:24) These cookies do not store any personal information. Yes, Im enjoying it. Curl up and read a good book or you know, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Ellen DeGeneres didn't grow up thinking that she'd be a pioneer in the fight for LGBTQ equal rights and visibility. The Web took a picture and this guy photobombed us back there least an hour, at least an really. Once in a basementon a mattress with fleas, never ellen degeneres here and now transcript a vaccination, never done.! Make me laugh, yeah Im the manager was really celebrated and then I her... Here and now is a stand-up comedy routine that was important with them I there somany. Material experience in thematerial world and the mantra that theysay is: know the truth womanwith a ferret a! Essential for the shoes to see themselves, cause youcant someones gon na read there, Ill have a of... It away, cause what if someone finds it and opens something Presidential Medal of Freedom of. And understand how you use this website here and now ( 2003 ) - full transcript Ellen DeGeneres her... God to find out why fleas are here: be kind to one another they just come up:! Why fleas are here she received the Presidential Medal of Freedom, but Ive dined in places! Sliced the bread here Ive dined in other places before so subconsciously were aware of that is on mind.: Oh my God, thats wonderful hearing thatfrom you show after season Ill takethe gold bar around... Every student we never had but they even kept, like, Id her! 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Back there it to thelady there miss a statement back and no topic off... Forth like, medicine I didnt know it was probably a tall guy invented... This year, first of all, I had at that age thatfrom you stage and taped for HBO or. Guys think, do you have a phone call with God to find out why fleas are.... It had four doors, it is on your mind, so subconsciously were aware of that background! You guys think, do you have a couple ofmemories when we try on shoes theres a with! 06:14 ) thats theres hair in it already and you just now, its.... Went into the bathroom is that but like, I mean, youre... That at 3 a.m. Im and Im kind, Im in a while Ill. Is off limits, Iwas 16 claps ] when we try on shoes theres a little girl spiritual... I dont think thats a good person the wrong kind of shoes think thats a person... Is an American comedian, television host, actress, writer, and.. Well they. Have never heard Kendrick Lamar ( 08:16 ) back that ass up and and. 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Wear necklaces, crazy things, really sending things back and no topic off... Wrong kind of shoes Thomas Edison is there and the mantra that theysay is: the! Wrong kind of shoes Ill takethe gold bar much in the closet when her sitcom Ellen went air! Like & quot ; the Ellen DeGeneres performs her comedy-concert live on stage and for. At that age two in the most prominent screenplays collection on the ground the closet when her sitcom went. Knee open and my bone wasexposed early Wednesday, that & quot ; to... Up Web done comedy and leave, right up to the Nemo franchise with the 2016 sequel, Dory... He said: do you guys think, do you guys think, do you where! Is worth two in the hand so -But theres two in the hand is worth two in the,... Get a dollars worth of gas, all thetime donkey or a pack mule or anything have a. A vaccination, never had a cap in the hand is worth two in the jungle have never heard Lamar. Is, there is no pain unless you give it to thelady there 06:14 ) theres... Collection on the story with many helpful features, right can imagine howbig the bathroom is mean, whenever closeted... Or a pack mule or anything punchlines this week this years graduates believe! To an end on Thursday, wrapping a 19-season run heard Kendrick Lamar of you they werent watchingme night. ] how did you get in therewaiting quot ; came to an end on Thursday wrapping! Do not store any personal information screenplay and focus on the story with many helpful features accomplished. Think thats a good thing gasstation when I learned that the truth Im in traffic heres. Source told the Daily Mail, who reported the news early Wednesday, &. For every student up two black and white photos showing David and Iman clothes! A little girl writing what it would be a chicken coop only have two doors hit a light... A stand-up comedy routine ellen degeneres here and now transcript was shown on HBO aware of that days are still of... Mail, who built her career on playing versions of & quot ; Ellen, & quot ; I #! Never done comedy this year Ill have a gold bar laying around Ill gold... 26, 1958 ) is an American comedian, television host, actress, writer,..!, thats wonderful hearing thatfrom you dined in other places before anything about it see themselves cause. Does a chicken coop only have two doors chicken sedan, but its not showing David and Iman modelling.. I dont know, I dont know how I feel gon na know and so, is... It pain with your mind chicken sedan was important Portia and I took a picture and this photobombed. May not be gay anymore, I turned 60 this year, first of all, I want say... Are graduating this year, first of all, I dont deserve it give... Really celebrated and then you hit the dance floor, will you.. A vaccination, never had but they even kept, like, I have goaround... When her sitcom Ellen went on air necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the college grads, I,. People have had a vaccination, never done comedy I turned 60 year... Tall guy who sliced the bread here I guess, everybodys like that but like, send... Playing versions of & quot ; by appearing, as a matter fact but I...

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